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04 March 2013 @ 11:12 am
I talked with Sam (my Rhetoric professor) last week. It was simultaneously helpful and terrifying. Do I really want to devote the next six or seven years to earning a doctorate? And if so, in what? Her self-described introversion was immensely helpful for me, simply from a kinship standpoint, because I've often wondered if my introversion and anxiety would automatically be a huge road block to any future teaching. I like her a lot, not just because she's a good teacher, but because she reminds me of myself and it gives me hope that I can be a functioning and fulfilled person in the future.

I've also decided to stay on for an extra semester, so as not to overload myself with too many classes or a burdensome financial situation. And I would be lying if I said that giving me more time to think wasn't a factor, as well.

I'm having a hard time getting anything done this week. I have three papers (three) due before Wednesday, and I could have gotten at least one of them done and over this weekend and I did ... nothing. I'm really glad Spring Break is a thing because I'm really going to need a week off.

It would be an unmeasurable amount of helpful if I could get this Rhetoric paper done now. That's probably not going to happen. I think I'm extra anxious about it because I don't have a clear idea of what I want to write yet? And Sam told me my last paper was, if not the best, one of the best from the class. Which creates anxiety it in its own way, even if I do very much enjoy hearing it. Some days it feels like I can't do anything right, or that everything I do is terrible and meaningless. It's nice to be reminded by people who don't have to tell me that my perceptions of myself are skewed.

There's a part of me that's like, "It isn't due until 5pm tomorrow. Just do it later!" DON'T LISTEN TO THAT PART, SELF. THAT PART IS FULL OF SHIT.

And today I'm feeling a little emotionally unstable - I'm assuming that's because it's overcast outside. I try to keep an eye on that, and tell myself not to worry about the dip in mood because it'll probably be gone tomorrow. Which helps, but doesn't help, at the same time.

Also, "three" doesn't even look like a word? I am spelling it right. Right?

It's 11:00 and I don't want to do anything UGH why am I an English major why did I make this life choice.

I know once I actually start writing it it will be fine, it's just the anxious leading-up to every paper that fucks me up. Maybe, at least, I can come up with a rough idea for my Rhetoric paper?
Elle: Hannaelleavantemm on March 4th, 2013 08:41 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you talked to a professor who helped you work some things out. :) I'm also glad that you chose to take a bit more time to complete your degree. When you're close it's hard to resist doing more than you can handle, but in the long run that extra four months can be to your benefit.

Feeling you on the motivation front. I have 3 papers upcoming and I've got a paper proposal that's already 2 weeks late to hand in. I've got ideas it's just getting the work started.

I'm proud of you.
ashemikuashemiku on March 13th, 2013 03:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Really, thank you so much.

I know I don't say this enough to people, and it's something I'm actively working on, but I really appreciate your support. You're a good friend and I'm very glad I have you in my life. :)
Elle: Hannaelleavantemm on March 13th, 2013 10:18 pm (UTC)
Hey, you are totally welcome. I understand the need for support in big decisions like these (and in every day life) and some times it doesn't matter where it comes from. We've been friends long enough that I feel like I know how capable you are, and it never hurts to hear that as often as possible.